Turn, Turn, Turn

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)

There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

- The Byrds (adapted from the Book of Ecclesiastes 3)

My dad loved that song. I heard him play it over and over again ever since we heard it in Forrest Gump. It was the final ringtone on his phone. And oddly enough, it was the best way to describe his untimely demise. There is a season, and reason, for everything.

A time to be born, a time to die...

One of the things that brought comfort to my family, especially my mom, was the idea that my dad's time was up. He might have passed at a younger age, but God has ordained the number of his days even before he was born (Psalm 139:16). It was time for him to go even if it was a surprise for us. Daddy was notoriously on time, he absolutely hated tardiness. I guess even on his death, he was still on time. I take comfort in knowing that God's hand is sovereign, even in the seemingly painful and tragic situations we find ourselves in. 

A time to plant, a time to reap...

It is said that a man reaps what he sows (Galatians 6:7). My father was not a perfect man. Patience was definitely not his virtue and he had allowed the sun to go down while he was very angry more than a dozen times. But for all his flaws and weaknesses, he did get one thing right: he knew how to treat people. He was a man who always wanted to treat people right. All throughout our two week ordeal, we've seen people from every part of his life (his relatives, his co-workers, his friends, his churchmates etc) share their personal experiences with my dad: how he taught his brother math (because he was really good at it); or how he urged a couple to be more loving towards one another, albeit in a joking manner; how he treated new friends as if they've known each other forever; how he was always a phone call away when you needed him and more. I was amazed at how my father's goodness extended outside his family. People we haven't seen for quite some time and people a million miles away, went out of their way to comfort us and let us know how much they grieve with us. Friends and relatives stood with us in prayer and traveled all the away to Imus just to console us.  The goodness and generousity we experienced during our time of grief was something we reaped from the goodness that my dad had sown throughout his life. 

A time to laugh, a time to weep...

Thank God I came from a family with a great sense of humor. Who else can laugh, or at least try really hard NOT to laugh, in the middle of a necrological service? Nothing beats family. They will always stand by you through weddings or funerals, birthdays or hospital confinements, reunions or break-ups. It certainly helps if they can see the lighter side of things, no matter how grim the situation is. 

A time to dance, a time to mourn...

Just when I thought I could no longer cry, something comes up (a piece of electronic, a TV show, a rock song, an ancient memory) that reminds me of my dad. When the sun is out and the house is filled with chores to accomplish, I almost forget that he's no longer with us. My mind tricks me into thinking that he is travelling somewhere and he will come home for dinner. But when the lights are out and the I am all alone in the room, all the memories come rushing in and I remember.  I remember the last meal he prepared for us. I remember the last night we spent together and the fireworks lit up the sky. I remember the sound of his voice and the stories he shared as we drove home. I remember that dreadful morning when I last held him in my arms and I cry. I cry for the sheer pain of losing him. I thought I knew what it was like to miss someone and to long for their presence but I was wrong. I know that this season shall pass eventually.  A time will come when we can dance once again. 

A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing...

I was thankful for the times I've spent with him: the times we watched a movie nearly every week because it was still cheap (read: P18/person), the times we went grocery shopping after service, the times we went on out of town road trips and he would bring his favorite cassette tapes like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, The Beatles, U2 and all those bands, the times when we would watch our current series obsession and realize we have the same favorite characters, the times when he would drive me to the bus station on my way to Laguna and he would always remind me to be careful. There were a million moments I shared with my dad and I could never recount them all.  But now the time has come where I can no longer embrace him. This may be a time of mourning for our family, but it is also a time to reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness. That is what refraining is all about: to regroup, to rethink, to refocus. I may have lost my biological father, but my heavenly Father is still sovereign. His plans for me will still prevail. 

when you're 30...

When you're 30, it's never really how you pictured it when you were 13. The high-profile, high-paying job might be non-existent. The jetsetting, glamorous lifestyle might still be a dream. The picture perfect house is perfect...in a photograph, but it's not your own. 

When you're 30, you acquire a few practical skills and things: how to stay up till 3am to book that cheap (read: P700 two-way) flight to SG, where to find the most inexpensive but trendy blouses / accessories in DV, how to clean an entire bathroom with a bar of soap and an old toothbrush, how to stay awake on an ordinary bus at midnight,  how to talk to government employees so they fast track your documents, or which foundation best suits you so your skin looks absolutely flawless. 

When you're 30, you've seen enough of the world but there's still so much more to explore. The world map is not just a poster on your 5th grade classroom, it's YOUR map now. You can go anywhere, explore anything; everything is at your fingertips. But no matter what city you visit, you will always, always long to go back to that congested, old city you grew up in. 

When you're 30, you've met enough people to 'know' people. Some people will rub you the wrong way the first time you meet them. Be wary of them. Instincts are usually right on these things. But there are people you meet and your initial conversation will start a spark that will continue to burn for a  lifetime. Hold on to these people. Your instinct is probably right on that one.

When you're 30, you truly understand the value of family. No friendship, colleague or 'barkada' can ever replace them.   

When you're 30, you realize that people are unpredictable. You can never put them in a box and expect them to act the same way all the time. People will disappoint you, no matter how much you think you know a person. They will break your heart and not meet your expectations. But then again, you probably do the same thing to them, one way or another. No one is perfect anyway. Forgive, forgive, forgive. Even when you feel its unfair and you don't understand why you need to do it. Most especially when you feel like that. 

When you're 30, you've experienced triumphs that will make you feel on top of the world. The winning 'hangover' will probably only last overnight (or a week if you really stretch it) though before you start itching for the next goal. You've also experienced defeats that made you question your ability and your purpose. You will cry in defeat, oh yes you will. But no matter how many defeats you experience, what is most important is that you get up and start over again. Nothing defeats losing than standing up again to try. 

When you're 30, you appreciate even more the importance of laughter. Life is too short to be taken seriously all the time. Give yourself a break and laugh at your mistakes. Chances are, after a few years, you will laugh about it anyway. 

When you're 30, you are thankful you met a man who looked deeply in your heart and knew all about you and loved you still. He knew you before you were ever conceived and had a plan for you. He made you in His image and that means you are fearfully and wonderfully made. He was able to do exceedingly abundantly more than what you can ever ask or imagine. If you get another 30 years with this man,  consider yourself blessed indeed. 

almost

2011 was a year of 'almosts' for me: almost thirty, almost studied abroad, almost published a book, almost moved to the 'suburbs,' almost had a breakdown (of wait, i think that DID happen :)) )  etc etc. Plans were made; plans slowly unravelled.

I started 2011 with a very blank slate. Unlike the previous years where no major overhauls happened in my life, this year was quite different. All I knew then that I was about to leave my job of five years with no certainty of a new job. The scholarship I pursued for over a year remained ever elusive. My family was on the brink of moving down south and I was about to become homeless :))

Yet in the midst of all of the changes, God remained the ever constant being in my life. He is always faithful and true to his word. Joshua 21:45 said, "Not one of all the LORD’s good promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled."

Things have certainly not gone according to my plans but it was all worth it. God's sovereignty prevailed and it was so much better that what I could have planned or imagined.

If there is one event that perfectly captures my 2011, it would be my Danao Plunge: https://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1757301612688

Taking that plunge scared the hell out of me and I thought it would be my end. But it turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me, same as 2011. I thought that this year would be a year of uncertainty but it turned out to be one of the best years of my life :)

Thank you to everyone who made my 2011 so awesome. I can't wait to take the 'plunge' once more for an exciting 2012.

Oh! The Places I'll Go!

Oh! The Places I'll Go! 

the delicacies I will eat

the sweets that tingle my teeth...

the people i will meet

we'll greet on the cobbled street...

the cheap air fares i will avail

that will lead me to different trails...

the mountains i will climb

i hope i will not be covered in grime...

the beaches i will explore

oh! they are never a bore! 

Oh! The Things I'll Do! 

the 'scholarship' experience

"We regret to inform you that you are not among the candidates selected to receive a scholarship this year."

And with that simple sentence, my yearlong pursuit for a scholarship and to study abroad ended. Three different scholarships. Three different organizations and applications. Same result. For some  reason, scholarships do not agree with me. 

I knew it was coming. I knew where I was called to be and yet it didn't soften the blow. It was still painful to see everything you planned for a year go crumbling down. 

People might view this experience as a complete and utter disaster for me. Imagine draining your savings on applications, exams and mailing services. For a time, FED-EX became a part of my weekly routine. One document had to be mailed abroad every week! 

And yet one thing sustained me through it all: 

I am confident of this: 

I will see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14) 

The Lord has been faithful for the past 28 years of my life. He will be faithful to bring to completion the things he has started in me. It may not have ended the way I originally planned it, but I do know that the best days are still to come. I will continually wait for the Lord :D 

signs i'm getting old

September is fast approaching and I am hit with the sudden realization that I am turning a year old, again.  I use to look forward to my birthday. I remember how I couldn't wait to turn 13 and  become a teenager. 13 means more movies to watch since I am no longer restricted with the PG movies.  I anticipated my 21st birthday and officially become an adult. But for the past few years, I seem to 'dread' my birthday.  They say age is just a number, but why does it matter so much? As I experience my own Return of Saturn, here are a few insights on getting older (hopefully a little wiser):

1. You long for the 'good old days'  - I never did understand what those 'good old days' the elderly used to refer to. Was it a magical place I get to visit when I reach a certain age? Then I got old and I found myself wishing for the 'good old days.' What is it exactly? For me, those were the days when kids played outside, getting dirty after school and not stuck in front of a monitor chatting to an 'avatar'. It was the time when dancing in the rain was the norm instead of avoiding it for fear of acid rain. The good old days was the time when a movie ticket was P18 and I could watch a movie every week. Oh how I miss those days!

2.  Metabolism is no longer your friend - As you get older, exercise becomes even more important.  Suddenly, every single bite of pizza or cake will haunt you for the rest of the year if you don't jump on the treadmill or run that extra mile.

3. Bills are now mailed to you, not your parents - When I was young, 'bill' was a name of a person, not an envelope that arrives at your doorstep. The older you get, the more bills you have to deal with: electricity, water, phone, credit cards, DSL, rent, insurance, pension, the list goes on. I remember a scene in Shopaholic when Becky threw an unopened envelope from her bank in a cement mixer hoping that it will all go away. Not the most "adult" thing to do but I'm sure we've all been tempted to do it at one point in our lives.

  

4. Wave Back Wednesdays is one reason you love the middle of the week - Not just Wave Back but any station that plays 'old' music. I love the new artists that came out in this millenium (Paramore, Sara Bareilles or Kings of Leon etc) but I have to admit, I'm a 90's baby through and through. I remember Justin Timberlake as a curly blond lad from N Sync. Before Wyclef Jean decided to run for president in Haiti, he was a member of Fugees with Lauryn Hill and cousin Pras. Green Day first broke into the music scene with Dookie. Boy bands, British and American, not Korean, ruled the scene. Mariah still had her natural curly hair and of course, Nirvana ruled the world. *Sigh, I miss 90's music.

5. Glasses (you can't live with them, you can't live without them) - I use to dream of wearing glasses. Back when I still had 20/20 vision, I thought it was so cool to wear glasses. I was in elementary then and I remember some of my classmates wearing fake glasses. I wanted one but my mom didn't think it was the smartest idea. Yeah right, what was I thinking?! Now, I can't stand five minutes in front of the computer without getting a headache. I want my 20/20 vision back.

6. You catch yourself saying the exact same 'sermons' your parents told you - I promised myself I would never, ever, EVER say those lines that my mom use to tell me. But then your patience runs out and you suddenly realized that you just repeated the exact same sermon you've heard from your mom a million times.  What happened?!

7. People who met you for the first time refer to you as Ate / Kuya ________ - I hate this when it happens. You get introduced to someone for the first time and right off the bat, they start calling you Ate _______. I appreciate the fact that they added that polite term. But it just gets to you sometimes. 

8. One word: FUTURE - One thing I love when I was younger, I never think about the future. Okay, maybe I do think about it a little, like what job I would have or what places I would visit. But I never thought about it seriously. I was too consumed with my friends and my favorite artists to worry about the future. Heck, I didn't even worry what college to go to back then. But as you get older, the future consumes you. What are your long term career plans? Stay here in the Philippines or move abroad? Do you have a retirement plan?

waiting seems to be the hardest word

Waiting is a normal occurrence in our lives. We wait for our turn, barely awake, early in the morning as our siblings use the bathroom. We wait in the comfort of our cars or in the suffocating heat of the jeep as we traverse the perpetual traffic in EDSA. We wait in line at the canteen every lunch time while our stomachs growl and the sweet aroma of food teases our senses. We wait, and wait, and wait, for that last day of c

lasses when we can finally enjoy the carefree days of summer.  We even wait, with great anticipation, for the announcement of the next American Idol. Waiting is very much a part of our lives. 

But how come it never gets easier? As you get older, just seems to get harder. Notice how we lose our patience easily as you approach your twilight years. It doesn't help either that we live in the world of the NOW. We want things immediately. We bang our keyboards if our high-speed internet fails to open the website in less than three seconds. We complain and whine in desperation whenever fast food delivery isn't 'fast' enough.  We buzz incessantly when our IM buddy/chat mate fail to respond immediately. We fail to realize the beauty in waiting since all we've ever known is the urgency of the now.

Waiting is an art, and like any form of art, we need to learn from the Master if we want to truly 'master' it. 

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. - Psalm 27:14

It takes true courage to wait for the Lord. To fully surrender your will to God and wait, patiently, as he shows you the way, one step at a time, takes true courage. You never know what will happen in the next step. You do not know what obstacles or enemies are lurking behind the corner. You have no control to what will happen next. All you have is the assurance that the Lord will be with you and He will never forsake you. Humility is another ingredient to master the art of waiting. We are comfortable in the idea that God is the one who drives the wheel. All we have to do is wait and listen to his instructions.

I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. - Psalm 38:15